I need a maid.

Today I am fed up. It is my day off today and the house is a shit-hole. All I do is work where I have to clean stuff everyday. Then on my days off my house is so gross I have to clean that too. I just want to cry. I'm not even out of my pyjamas and I can't find any energy to do anything. I need to pick up all the junk, clean EVERYTHING and find time to go to the gym too. I don't want to do any of these things.I want it to rain and for me to get in bed and sleep with a pillow over my head.
To top it all off I have constipated cat who I've been trying to coax into having a poo all morning (she's managed a few nuggets for those that wish to know the details). She is very miserable and keeps running to the litter tray, straining then running away. She also dug up half of my garden trying to go out there too.
Sigh. I need a maid. A maid who will clean my house, iron my clothes, massage my cat's rectum and cheer me up.